Can't Be Really Gone
by DJ Lady Moony
Summary: Remus Lupin is faced with a hard decision...


Disclaimer: All characters from Harry Potter belong to JK Rowling and not me. Italicized words are from the Tim McGraw song "Can't Be Really Gone" which also doesn't belong to me. Also, you may want to read my story "One Sweet Day" before reading this one. Enjoy!

* * *

My Katie… seventeen years now, she's been… idle. Most people I know would have used the word 'gone,' but that's not right. She's not really gone, not really. She's right here, in the bed next to my chair. And now, it's up to me to decide whether or not she stays that way. 

As of late, the Ministry of Magic has been pressuring the families of those victimized by the Dementor's Kiss to allow them to be "released." That's the term they use… what they mean is murdered. The victims will be "released" much like in the way a muggle veterinarian would put down an aging or ill animal, only using magic instead of drugs. I can't let them do that to my Katie… as far as I'm concerned, she's still here. There is too much of her left for her to be gone.

_Her hat is hanging by the door  
The one she bought in Mexico  
It blocked the wind,  
It stopped the rain  
She'd never leave that one  
So, she can't be really gone _

I always knew Albus would be the one to finally say something. He's never been one to dwell in the past about anything, not even something as close to one's heart as this. And I knew exactly what to expect from him- he'd be straight foreword and honest.

"You have to let her go, Remus…" I didn't turn to face him. I sat there holding Katie's hand, shaking my head.

"I can't, Albus… I won't." I heard him walk towards me, pulling a chair over as he did so. Once he'd sat down, I looked at him… and realized for the first time that like myself, he wasn't young anymore. I'd probably never noticed it because he'd always acted so young, so carefree… but times had changed… he was now going to be the elder man and tell me what I should do.

"Remus," he said in a tone I'd not heard him use before. Remorse, caring… and anger, all mixed together. "I know you want to believe that Kathryn is still in that body, but… Remus, the woman you knew and loved died seventeen years ago. She died as soon as she was given the kiss, regardless of the fact her body still lives." He put a hand on my shoulder. "You have to let her go Remus… it's the only way both of you can be happy." I wasn't listening to him. Nor was I paying attention to Katie. No, my full attention was being given to an old pair of light blue dancing shoes that were lying on the floor… and the memories they brought back.  
_  
The shoes she bought on Christmas eve  
She laughed and said they called her name  
It's like they're waiting in the hall  
For her slip them on  
So, she can't be really gone_

It was December twenty-fourth, 1980 and I found myself in a muggle shopping mall with Katie, buying last minute gifts for our friends before heading to James and Lily's for a Christmas party. It was to be Harry's first so it was very important… but here Katie and I were, still shopping for gifts. I'd told her weeks ago that we should have gotten this done, but my girl never listened to me about things like that.

"Aye, Remus," she said, her heavy Irish accent rolling and her brown eyes twinkling. "Some things, like Potions projects and Defense Against The Dark Arts papers do need t'be finished in a'vance… but present shopping… nye, that has t'be done las' minute, wi' just barely enough time to wrap the gifts b'fore givin' them 'way."

"Oh really?" I asked, trying to hold back the smile I could feel starting to curl my lips. "And why is that?" She grinning, linking her arm within my own.

"'Cause love, tha' would be when you find the perfect gift tha' you'd otherwise miss."

As much as I hate to admit it, she was right. I found myself in a muggle tricks shop that I normally wouldn't have been in buying little gags that I normally wouldn't have bought. A hand buzzer for Padfoot; jalapeño flavored gum for Wormtail and a silly pair of glasses with a big nose for Prongs. Those were just gag gifts, but as Katie said, they were perfect and if we hadn't been shopping on Christmas eve, I'd never have found them… nor would I have found those shoes.

Light blue, Katie's favorite color. Less than a quarter inch on the heal and lined with dark blue velvet on the inside, obviously made for dancing. My Katie loved to dance. These were the perfect shoes for her and I knew it… I bought them right then and there, taking them to a fountain where I was to meet Katie when we were done shopping. She arrived a few moments after I did, looking rather sad.

"What's the matter, Katie?" I asked, concerned. She looked at me, smiling sadly.

"Nuthin' really," she said. "Just… I found a perfect pair 'a dancin' shoe in one 'a the shops. I wai'ed to long and they were gone when I got back. Ah well, didn't really need 'em… but it was like they were callin' m'name." It was then I took the shoes I'd just bought and showed them to her. By the look in Katie's eyes, I knew it was the same pair she'd wanted. A small tear rolled down her face as she wrapped her arms around me. "Remus Lupin," she said, kissing my cheek. "Ya n'ere cease ta amaze me."  
_  
I don't when she'll come back  
She must intend to come back  
And I've seen the error of my ways  
Don't waste the tears on me  
What more proof to you need  
Just look around the room  
So much of her remains_

"Remus?" Albus said, shaking me out of my memory. "Are you even listening to me?"

"No, sir not really." I heard him let out another sigh and most likely start his speech all over again… but I still wasn't listening. Too many thoughts were running through my head. A Dementor had kissed Katie, yes… but was she really gone? For good? No. No, I couldn't believe that. My heart wouldn't let me believe that. Not with that book lying in the chair next to those shoes… bringing back another memory.  
_  
Her book is lying on the bed  
The two of hearts to mark her page  
Now, who could ever walk away  
At chapter twenty-one  
So, she can't be really gone_

During my fourth year at Hogwarts, we had what some muggles call an Indian Summer- all the leaves had fallen off the trees (making the Whomping Willow look more mysterious than normal), but it was as warm as mid July in October. Lucius Malfoy always had a bit of a thing for my Katie. She was a half blood, which Lucius despised, but for some reason he went after Katie more than anyone else. He would tease her relentlessly until she fought back… except for one time. One time, he went too far.

Between dinner and lights out one night, Katie, the Marauders and I were in the Great Hall doing some studying. Yes, studying. Katie was the best of all of us in Potions, almost as good as Severus, so the night before an exam, we'd get her to help us study. As always, Katie was drinking a cup of mint tea, sweetened with honey. Mitzy, one of the house elves knew exactly how Katie liked her tea and always brought it out to her… I should have known something was wrong when a different elf brought out the tea.

She took a small sip and instantly paled. A moment later, she looked as though she was going to throw up… and in a matter of speaking, she did. She opened her mouth and a large snake slithered out of her mouth. She tried to scream, but that only made another snake come out. Every time she'd open her mouth, a snake would slither out… and Katie was terrified of snakes. Moments after the second snake came out, she ran from the Great Hall, leaving her potions book behind and sobbing, trying to keep her mouth closed.

"Snakes," I muttered. "Why did it have to be snakes?" I started to go find Lucius when James put a hand on my shoulder.

"You go find Kate," he said. "We'll take care of Lulu." I nodded and picked up the book, setting off to find her.

I found her out by the Whomping Willow- not close enough to get herself killed, but just close enough to hide herself. She was still crying, a few snakes around her, hissing at her feet.

"Finite Incantum!" The snakes vanished, but the sobs did not. Katie sat right were she was, crying to her heart's content. I wasn't sure what to do… but Katie was always telling me to listen to my heart. So, I did- I walked over to her, pulled her to her feet and held her in my arms, rocking her slightly. "It's all right, Katie… it's all right." She didn't say a word. She just hugged me back and kept on crying. And I just held her.  
_  
Just look around this room  
So much of her remains_  
_Her book is lying on the bed  
The two of hearts to mark her page  
Now, who could ever walk away  
With so much left undone  
So, she can't be really gone_

"Remus, you're not listening to me again." I looked over at Albus, who seemed to be quite angry with me. "You have to make a decision about this…"

"You're right, Albus. _I_ have to make this decision. Not you or anyone else. And I'll make it when I'm good and ready." I'm not sure if Albus was happy with that answer or not. He simply sighed, shook his head, got up and walked out. I looked over at my Katie, lying still and pale faced on her bed. I brushed a strand of her black hair out of her eyes and kissed her cheek. There would be nights to make my decision… but this wasn't one of them. No, tonight was a night to sit here and look around the room… and dream about whatever old memories come to mind.  
_  
No, she can't be really gone_


End file.
